talk radio

“Yes, Kelly from Kansas City, you are on the air.”

“Yeah, ah, hi, Mike.  I, ah, work at a mental hospital, and most of the people at my place are schizophrenic, but, I mean, ah, they say that guy was bipolar, and those people, when they are manic, are really dangerous, you know?  So, I can’t blame the cop, I support him 100%”

I used to follow news very closely.  I read newspapers, magazines, played hooky from 7th grade to watch C-span.  When these weren't enough, I read books, threw myself into debates, went to protests, circulated petitions, took classes.  I looked down on everyone then, but most of all on the people who didn’t have any opinions, didn’t bother to stay informed.  How could they imagine the details of their own little lives were worth attending to at the expense of striving for a better world?

It’s been a few years since the details of my own little life have pushed everything else out of my brain.  I don’t even feel guilty about it anymore.  Snippets of what is happening outside my head make it through while I am scanning around for a good radio station, not even, just a song I don’t despise, not even, I am pressing the button out of habit.   

When I heard Kelly say she worked at a  mental hospital, I stopped, because those two words make me sit up and listen every time.  Maybe this will make sense of it, will make it real, will chip away at my shame and isolation.

Apparently a man was shot, maybe on a plane, maybe for threatening somebody, maybe for saying he had a bomb.  I didn’t listen long enough to really find out. 

I’ve met nurses like Kelly, I’ve been in their care.  They will not let you go to the bathroom, they will not let you wear shoes, they will not let you drink water, they will not they will not they will not. 

They will take blood for vague reasons.  The kids who are on meds need to have their levels checked, sure, but you are refusing, you are involuntary, so what, exactly, are they doing with so many vials from you?  The soft parts of your arms turn black and blue after just a few days, everybody’s do, but your veins collapse sooner than most, she is looking and not not finding, she is missing, her aim is bad, you joke that you would be a stunning failure at heroin addiction, she is not amused, asks you can you stop moving your leg like that and you make full on unsmiling eye contact, “No, I can’t.  You are hurting me.” 

Yes, lets be honest, you are angry.  You shouldn't even be here, this is fucking rediculous, you are fine you are better than fine you are beyond coherant and on into brilliant.  It’s not as if you are claiming to have authority over your body, though.  The male nurses are stronger than you even when not working in goups of four, even without the aid of straight jackets, padded rooms, four point restraints.

Anytime she asks, you give her your arm, make a fist, relax.  Teeth clenched with rage and fear, you hang your dignity on little acts of defiance.  Telling her it hurts, telling her a bit maliciously, true, implying she is doing her job poorly, yes, gets you a look you’ve gotten before; from her, from other nurses, from doctors, from authority figures and caregivers various and sundry.  It will frighten you that time, it will frighten you every time, but not until ten years later will you quite understand. 

If a cop puts a bullet in your brain, she will support him 100%.

Comments

[jenn]

Yes.

His story? Been in US since 1994. Off his meds. Apparently panicked on the plane, tried to run out, still carrying his carry-on. Wife running behind, yelling in Spanish. Nobody understood what she was saying, or could respond fast enough to interceed.

I can't watch/listen to news as it's spoken ( I don't watch tv at all.) I catch the headlines online, or on paper, where I can find some distance from it.

Doesn't help that all they seem to find newsworthy is the stuff that twists me up inside. How come the rest of the world doesn't twist up inside? Oh, yeah. Too many like your nurse Ratchett, individuals we may never hope to understand. Or understand too well.

[Bakerina]

Seconding the "yes" from jenn. I'm also thinking about the comment from a mutual friend of ours, about how disturbed she was by the coverage surrounding this event. Your post here, 'fern, *that's* the conversation we all need to be having.

[Kathleen Moore]

Startling. When I was younger I workded with "severely disturbed teens" and witnessed without understnding what I was seeing the startling powerlessness you describe. Your writing makes me sad and angry for you. Love you gal.

[Pearl]

Planning to write here again in January?

[pam]

Hi, migrating over here from Grrls. This article is very moving, you write well and describe the helplessness, the anger, the reproach dead on. Thank you for this. I hope you write a book someday.

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I used to follow news very closely. I read newspapers, magazines, played hooky from 7th grade to watch C-span. When these weren't enough, I read books, threw myself into debates, went to protests, circulated petitions, took classes. I looked down on everyone then, but most of all on the people who didn’t have any opinions, didn’t bother to stay informed. How could they imagine the details of their own little lives were worth attending to at the expense of striving for a better world?